Hmmm.  This seems like a very understated article, but then it comes from England, so perhaps it’s not surprising.

If it were up to kids, there would be very few divorces, if any.  Alas, they are the innocent victims of marital breakdowns.  The chief point of this rather superficial article seems to be that the negative effects of divorce can be very long lasting, persisting well into adulthood.  That fact has been documented repeatedly, by many empirical studies.  Unfortunately, it seems is news to many people.

“No fault” divorce policies make divorce less bitter, but also far too quick and easy to get, no matter how much the other spouse may wish to fight for preserving the marriage.  I think history will show that no fault divorce and the resulting explosion in the divorce rate has been a social disaster, a cultural tsumnami on a massive scale.  So many of our social problems are rooted in the breakdown of the family.

And sadly, the Christian Church (of all types, even the conservative Protestant and Catholic ones) has been mostly of little help in overcoming that catastrophic trend.  We can, we must, do much more to strengthen marriages in our churches.  That especially means doing much more to help better prepare people for the daunting challenge of building a healthy marriage that lasts a lifetime.

Mandatory use of pre-marital inventories would help, such as PREPARE. PREP, or my personal favorite, FOCUSS.  That’s been repeatedly verified by scientific studies.  But what’s even better is to help every newly wed couple get off to a good start by assigning them a “mentor couple,” i.e., a happily married couple that can share what they’ve learned over the years that has made their marriage work and thrive.

I highly recommend the wonderfully fruitful and effective ministry of Mike and Harriet McMannus, the founders of Marriage Savers, a national movement with many local chapters across the country.  Also check out the fabulous resources available at SmartMarriage.com.

David Handy+

Thanks #1, New Reformation Advocate
Your suggestions are good.  Another thing that would decrease the divorce rate would be if people took seriously Jesus’ strictures against remarriage - He calls it adultery over and over again.  And adulterers are excluded from heaven.  Would that our preachers would tackle this head-on.

#2—that is precisely where the right comes off as a bunch of hypocrites.  If those ministers preached (or even practiced in some cases) against divorce as much as they do on the presenting issue, they might come off to the rest of the world as Christian.

Greetings.

I can testify first-hand that this is true. I will spare you the tedious personal details.

New Reformation Advocate suggests:

If it were up to kids, there would be very few divorces, if any.

Well, my brother and sister and I were actually happy when our parents finally divorced. Things still weren’t good, but we didn’t have to live in the middle of it. We’d have preferred a happy, loving family, but we had little input into that outcome. I mean no disrespect to NRA, but it’s not just a matter of married/not-married, it’s a matter of healthy/not-healthy situation. As the original article says:

Staying together for the sake of the children can cause as much damage as divorcing, the study said.

It’s true. The simple fact of keeping the marriage together does not, by itself, necessarily help the children much. I know this.

And though my own family had no relationship to any church, I’d be happy to see any organization do something positive in this regard. Good luck.

regards,

JPB

I believe my older son at age 37 has never recovered from both my marriage to his mother and our divorce. He has vowed never to marry or have children either.

JPB (#4),

I’m glad you responded, and I certainly didn’t take your comment as disrespectful at all.  Sadly, I’ve known all too many hellish family situations over the years that are similar to the tragic one you experienced.

I’m sorry if I was so brief as to be confusing.  Of course, you’re right that being caught in the middle of the crossfire between two parents in an extremely unhealthy relationship can be devastating.  Too often, the Church has tended to act as if divorce was an unforgiveable sin, while tolerating all sorts of abuse to take place within severely dysfunctional marriages and not helping those trapped in them to find freedom, healing, and restoration to wholenss.

Sometimes, separations are necessary, and dramatic interventions.  And not all marriages can be saved, since both spouses have to choose to stick to their solemn vow to live togehter for better or for worse, and be willing to change after they think they’ve tried everything and it hasn’t worked.  But that doesn’t change the fact that divorce is almost always very harmful to the children who innocently suffer from its prfoundly negative impact.  But I take your helpful comment as pointing out that its the breakdown of the marriage, and its terrible unhealthiness that is the fundamental problem, not merely the divorce that declares its formal ending.

But I can also testify that I’ve seen apparently hopeless marriages healed by the amazing grace and restorative power of God through Christ and his cross.  Sadly, it’s all too rare, but it does happen sometimes.  Which is why I always try to help friends or parishioners who appear to be headed for divorce to fight for their marriage.

Anyway, thanks for sharing a glimpse of your painful, personal story.

David Handy+

My parents divorced when I was a teen.  I’m grown now w/kids of my own.  Their divorce does still negatively impact my life, when it comes to interacting w/my family.  Everything is more complicated and it stinks.  So those reading this who have split their family, just know that your kids will live their lives, but don’t think it won’t affect them forever . . . it will.

And, regarding adulterers . . . my first marriage ended in divorce.  Praise God we had no children!  But we divorced b/c he left me for another woman (his secretary, if you can believe that tired cliche!).  So there I was 32 y.o.  Young, bright, attractive (if I do say so myself) and alone through no fault of my own.  I was never remotely unfaithful.  And I was never a nagging or critical wife.  I was my the lout’s biggest fan!  So was I supposed to be doomed to a life alone?  No husband, no family of my own forever?  Why?  What did I do wrong?  And why should the adulterer get to have a family but I should live out the rest of my life like a nun? 

So I am now married to a great guy.  We have two kids.  I’m still faithful and have never even considered violating my marriage vows.  Am I going to hell?

My belief, Carol R, is that your first husband’s adultery with the secretary releases you and makes you qualified to marry again.  This situation is unlike the many “no fault” divorces in which people leave just because they don’t “feel right” any more.

#2—Have you read much of the Old Testament? I doubt that you have, or you wouldn’t be making that statement about no adulterers in Heaven.

Sorry, but I, too, grew up in the household of an unhappy marriage. At one point, when I was 11 or 12, I got out the phonebook and copied down the names and phone numbers of divorce lawyers, and presented the list to my parents, begging them to call. THEN, they started fighting about which one would call first. Sigh…

Do you know what I think puts the kids of “broken homes” most at risk? All of the studies that predict the kids are far more likely to turn out to be delinquents and overall baddies. What, do y’all think that the kids aren’t told this by adults and don’t read about it on their own later?

I can still recall the day when I picked up my very dejected little boy from his parochial school. When I asked what was wrong, he said that his teacher (a nun) was telling the class that children who were raised in single-parent homes were much more likely to become dropouts, criminals and addicts. I was horrified. I asked him what he did during this “lesson” and he said he put his head down on his desk and quietly cried. Then, he asked me if he was “bad.” Needless to say, the principal and teacher heard from me the next day.

THAT traumatized my son FAR more than the fact that his father and I were separated. Oh, and did I mention that the teacher chose to do this “lesson” just two weeks after my son’s father had died, and the whole school community was aware of this fact? Lord, save the children from mean-spirited and uncaring adults.

teatime suggests:

Do you know what I think puts the kids of “broken homes” most at risk? All of the studies that predict the kids are far more likely to turn out to be delinquents and overall baddies. What, do y’all think that the kids aren’t told this by adults and don’t read about it on their own later?

I don’t doubt that this happens from time to time, nor do I doubt what you relate about your own son. But I’m put in mind of the first line of Anna Karenina: “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

No one ever told us that we were “bad”, or anything else of that sort. There are just some things we never learned to do, and even knowing that we still don’t do them well. We’re all actually nice enough people in person (no drugs, no jail, nothing really awful), just not people you’d hold up as examples to your own children (FWIW, none of us have children, and we’re not LGTBWhatever). I suspect that people who treat their children in a loving, responsible way can (I don’t say “always do”, just can) do better than people who “stay together for the kids” because it’s the “right” thing to do, but who provide no sort of positive role models for their children.

My thanks to Handy+ for the gracious response. I meant nothing ad hominem, but as I’m sure you know, it’s sometimes difficult to maintain an academic detachment about some questions. I do approve of your attitude, and sincerely wish you all success.

regards,

JPT