From the Do Not Take Yourself Too Seriously Department:Laodicean Church Releases New Hymnal

Posted by Kendall Harmon

Leaders of the Evangelical Laodicean Church in North America last week announced the publication of a new hymnal. "This is truly a hymnal for the new century," said Presiding Bishop Luke W. Arm. "This collection of hymns really captures the essence of our tradition," Bishop Arm explained. "At the core of our belief is the motto, 'Moderation in all things,' and that applies to our faith life as well. We just don't like to get carried away."

When asked if the new hymnal will help the Laodicean Church attract new members, Bishop Arm replied, "People in today's society get kind of uncomfortable with too much talk about things like commitment and dedication. They'd much rather have a religion that they can turn on or off at will. Our church seeks to meet that need. This hymnal will help with that, I think."

Editor in chief of the new hymnal, Priscilla ("Presh") S. Moment, explained some of the difficulty the committee had in choosing hymns. "Many of the old favourites just won't cut it among Laodiceans," said Moment. "We had to change a lot of the wording to make them fit with our style. We tried to incorporate some new songs into the book, but we had trouble finding Laodiceans interested in writing new music."

The title of the new hymnal, Church Songs, was chosen very carefully, explained Moment. "We didn't want to turn anybody off with threatening words that no one understands any more like 'Worship' or 'Hymn.'"

Here is a partial list of titles included in the new Laodicean hymnal:

A Comfortable Mattress Is Our God
Above Average Is Thy Faithfulness
All Hail the Influence of Jesus' Name!
Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
Be Thou My Hobby
Blest Be the Tie That Doesn't Cramp My Style
Go Tell it on the Speed Bump
He's Quite a Bit to Me
I Lay My Inappropriate Behaviours on Jesus
I Love to Talk about Telling the Story
I Surrender Some
I'm Fairly Certain That My Redeemer Lives
It Is My Secret What God Can Do
Joyful, Joyful, We Kinda Like Thee
Just as I Pretend to Be
Just as I Am, with Lots of Excuses
Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
My Hope Is Built on Nothing Much
My Faith Looks Around for Thee
O, God, Our Enabler in Ages past
Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
Oh, How I like Jesus
Onward, Christian Reservists
Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
Praise God from Whom All Affirmations Flow
Self-Esteem to the World! The Lord Is Come
Sit Up, Sit up for Jesus
Special, Special, Special
Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere near Me
Spirit of God, Descend upon Their Hearts
Take My Life and Let Me Be
There Is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings
We Are Milling Around in the Light of God
What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus
When Peace, like a Trickle
When the Saints Go Sneaking in
Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following

Filed under: * General InterestHumor / Trivia

Posted March 31, 2010 at 6:20 pm [Printer Friendly] [Print w/ comments]

1. Kendall Harmon wrote:

I am happy to add reader’s suggestions of additional hymns.  See what you can come up with.

March 31, 6:26 pm | [comment link]
2. Neal in Dallas wrote:

How about:

Chill Out, O King, Eternal
Mosey on, Mosey on in Majesty
One Sunny Afternoon (Instead of Forty Days and Forty Nights)
I Suppose My Redeemer Liveth
It is Moderately Okay with my Soul
Sweet Fifteen Seconds of Prayer
Pleasantly, Pleasantly We Think Well of Thee
One of the Church’s Foundations
Jesus, Lamb of God, have M. . .actually, I’m Really Okay

March 31, 6:39 pm | [comment link]
3. Tina Lockett wrote:

It’s about time we had a hymnal for Church of the Holy Comforter and St. Mattress on the Springs.

March 31, 7:03 pm | [comment link]
4. Tina Lockett wrote:

And the CD is already available! Go to you tube and search “It’s All About Me worship video”

March 31, 7:07 pm | [comment link]
5. Grandmother wrote:

Some truly oldies:

Make Me a Sandwich
I’m So Glad, I Climbed Out of the Ditch
Faith of Our Woman Ancestors
Shall We Gather at the Labyrinth?
Will the Serpent be Housebroken?
At the Church Bring and Buy (UK)
Lapalooza, What a Lifesaver

March 31, 7:19 pm | [comment link]
6. frreed wrote:

Venite Ignoramus (O Come Let Us Ignore Him)

March 31, 7:54 pm | [comment link]
7. Pageantmaster ن wrote:

The Indaba thou gavest Lord is ended

March 31, 8:06 pm | [comment link]
8. DeeBee wrote:

Hmmm - off the top of my head:

He’s Got the Whole World In His Pants (I know, that’s an old one wink )

Jesus, I Barely Thought of Thee

A Maze In Grass

Onward Questioning Dawdlers, Ambling As to Wal(-Mart)

You, Watch the Sand, the Holes-in-One (O-oh Play Through, All Day Too, Yah!)

Kumbya, My Lord, If ya wanna, but if not that’s cool too . . .

Whose Kid is That?

When the Politically-Correct “Heroes” Come Strutting In

What Groovy Emotion Is This, O My Id

March 31, 8:13 pm | [comment link]
9. Truly Robert wrote:

I don’t have any song suggestions, but: “Ich Glaub an Gott” is a German-language hymn that goes way back. I’ve sung it in a traditional Lutheran church, in Germany. Using various English lyrics (which are not translations of the German), such as “The King of Kings, Christ Jesus Reigns,” it appears on Christ the King here in the US. It’s in the RC hymnal, and probably Episcopal/Anglican.

But I didn’t find it in the hymnal at a local ELCA church, not by any name, liturgical day, or rhythm. (When I was there, it was not for service, but for an outside music performance.) I inquired of some congregants, and discovered that if I hummed a few bars, the older ones knew it, but the younger ones didn’t. This, in a Lutheran church! I was informed that a few years ago, the hymnal was updated, and some classics were taken out, to leave more room for what sounded like we-are-the-world songs.

March 31, 8:28 pm | [comment link]
10. robroy wrote:

I would think that this announcement should have come out tomorrow.

March 31, 8:44 pm | [comment link]
11. Anglican-at-last wrote:

Come, O Zeitgeist, Come
Breathe on Me, Breath of Whatever
Ye Snoozers and Ye Wiccan Ones
Lift High the Puppets

March 31, 8:59 pm | [comment link]
12. Jim the Puritan wrote:

From the “Hip, Technologically Emergent Church Hymnal”:

Be Thou My Version 2.0 (Be Thou My Vision)

Come Thou Font of Every Texting (Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing)

Just Save in Word, and I Shall Be Healed (Just Say the Word, and I Shall be Healed)

Open Our I-Tunes, Lord (Open Our Eyes, Lord)

How Majestic is Your Domain Name (How Majestic Is Your Name)

Make Room Within My Hard Drive, God (Make Room Within My Heart, O God)

In Microsoft I Glory (In the Cross I Glory)

Novell, Novell!  (Noel, Noel!)

All People That on Earth Use Dell (All People That on Earth Do Dwell)

Christ the Lord is Verizon Today (Christ the Lord is Risen Today)

Oh Lord, Can You Hear Me Now?  (Oh Lord, Hear My Prayer)

A Maid Named Grace (Amazing Grace)

Shall We Gather at the Starbucks (Shall We Gather at the River)

March 31, 9:03 pm | [comment link]
13. LumenChristie wrote:

O God, our help in ages past

We’ll take ourselves from here

March 31, 9:09 pm | [comment link]
14. Adam 12 wrote:

Seriously, folk, I think we have to admit that there is some of ‘us’ in these choices…

March 31, 9:21 pm | [comment link]
15. Grandmother wrote:

You’re correct Adam 12

This is MY story, This is MY song…


March 31, 9:30 pm | [comment link]
16. Ralph wrote:

All Creatures of Elvis the King

March 31, 9:48 pm | [comment link]
17. Rich Gabrielson wrote:

The Strife is O’er, the Battle Done (with alternate text for the celebration of a divorce)

March 31, 9:53 pm | [comment link]
18. Christopher Johnson wrote:

A Comfortable Apartment is Our God
Adequate Grace
Give Him Many Hats

March 31, 10:15 pm | [comment link]
19. Christopher Johnson wrote:

Conversation’s O’er, Discussion’s Begun

March 31, 10:53 pm | [comment link]
20. j.m.c. wrote:

“Give Him Many Hats” - glad to see Christopher Johnson here, I had thought originally this was from him, and “Give Him Many Hats” is a priceless addition.

March 31, 11:00 pm | [comment link]
21. Utah Benjamin wrote:

Perfect!  I am preaching on Revelation 2-3 in a few weeks and was looking for some inspirational songs to suggest for music that day.  Thankfully, my favorite hymn was not left out of the new hymnal: Come Thou Long Expected… hey, my favorite episode of Seinfeld is on!

March 31, 11:07 pm | [comment link]
22. Umbridge wrote:

Speaking of Laodicea, do any of you remember the song by Steve Camp, Living in Laodicea?

March 31, 11:11 pm | [comment link]
23. David Wilson wrote:

The Dentists Hymn:  Crown him with many crowns
On a hill far way stood an old Chevrolet
All battered and rusty and worn
And along come the Lord in a Model T Ford
And towed that old Chevy away!

March 31, 11:25 pm | [comment link]
24. Betsybrowneyes wrote:

LOL! These are really fun. Here’s my humble addition:
Just As I/We/You/He/She/They Am/Are/Are/Is/Is/Are, With A Few Conditions First…

March 31, 11:28 pm | [comment link]
25. Grandmother wrote:

Once to every congregation,
Comes the Moment to say “Bye”

If you’re sappy and you know it….....................

Blessed Insurance, my health care is fine
You tell me your brand, I’ll tell you mine…

Rescue the parishes
Help pay for the lawsuits…...

March 31, 11:32 pm | [comment link]
26. Christopher Johnson wrote:

When The Dialogue Starts Yonder, I’ll Be There
However You’d Like Me To Be
Onward Christian Mah Jong Players
Hark the Herald Angels Send A Memo
It Came Upon A Midnight Partly-Cloudy
We Shop Whole Foods Together
Satisfied, Satisfied, We All Like You
The Church’s One Half Bathroom
How Above Average You Are
Blessed Insurance
Recliner Of Ages
My Soul’s Okay Either Way

April 1, 1:40 am | [comment link]
27. Robert A. wrote:

Don’t forget to include the well-known Xmas hymn:

While shepherds washed their socks by night
all seated round the tub,
A bar of fairy soap came down
and they begun to scrub.

April 1, 3:58 am | [comment link]
28. Chris Molter wrote:

Amazing Grace who brought us snacks
and made coffee in the hall!
Decaf and creamer, sweet and low
our sacraments for all!

April 1, 11:51 am | [comment link]
29. Blue Cat Man wrote:

The obstretician’s hymn comes to mind: Come Labor On

April 1, 3:14 pm | [comment link]
30. Blue Cat Man wrote:

For the attorneys:
I argue in behalf of the saints of God

April 1, 11:43 pm | [comment link]
31. Anglican-at-last wrote:

What Can It Be?

April 1, 11:54 pm | [comment link]
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