“For stumbling, grumbling worshipers like me, though, obedience to the pope has morphed into a respectful taking of his pronouncements under advisement — a cafeteria-like approach that drives more rigid Catholics to the brink of saying the Lord’s name in vain. “

Actually these are not more rigid Catholics.  They are simply Catholics.  There is no such church as Holy Cafetorium Catholic Church.  I say to people such as Dan.  You can find the form you like in Catholicism without the matter which disturbs you in other churches.  Try Lutheran, Anglican for inspiring liturgy and dare I say much better music.  If you find the liturgy ho hum but like being part of a parish family.  Try a non denominational mega church which put on a service that can rival a broadway revival plus provide lots of service groups for you to join.  If you admire most of Catholic social teaching but just can’t give up the idea sex and its consequences is none of the Church’s business find a socially active mainstream Protestant church.  You can march to end global warming, picket to save the polar bear, and still have time to be an abortion clinic escort. 

It really does not take a lot to find a church in this world which will meet your requirements.  Why some even stress they are there to help you in your search and wouldn’t dream of imposing such a rude beast as doctrine upon the wide eyed innocent seeker.

But the Catholic Church just does not meet your standards.  She is after all a Church that does require you hold faithfully to all she teaches.  A Church that requires you don’t place the body and blood, soul and divinity of our Lord upon your lips while lies perch upon your heart.  A Church which is not embarrased to proclaim she has the fullness of Truth.  Truly how could such a Church attract any but the lowest sinner or the highest saint.  For these two categories of beings share one thing in common.  Their absolute conviction that they can not ever, ever save themselves.  That the path is narrow.  That Jesus alone is savior.  ( please note Protestant Churches that are firm in their fidelity to orthodox Christianity also attract the same)

Those who pick and choose doctrine have usually decided that they can, if they do what they feel is right, indeed save themselves.
So they have Chinese take out menu church.  Take one doctrine from column A and 2 doctrines from column B to develop a palatable church.  Serve lukewarm.

But, Paula, belonging to the Catholic Church - “being” Catholic - is so much part of his identity, and disagreeing with “the Vatican” (really the Faith) is particularly important.  The money quote:

Today that document (papal blessing on his marriage), framed in silver, is piled among yellowing college textbooks and other outgrown possessions in a storage room in the basement,

Such a modest fellow, but at least he admits (sort-of), he’s a cafeteria Catholic. I guess that’s a start. Maybe there is a latent spiritual hunger lurking under all that smug self-satisfaction that will, when he’s not looking, demand he find the Risen Lord and enter into a personal relationship, rather than hide behind all the “issues”, and, perhaps even the cultural identity of “being Catholic”.

I have to weigh in here as well.

These days, there is absolutely no social. economic or political pressure to participate in any religion ... much less a specific religious entity.  In fact, the opposite is the case.  So if you do not share the same basic tenets, why stay?  For what reason?  There are so many other options. 

“Cafeteria Catholics” may not be exactly the same as “Cultural Catholics.”  Actually, I can understand “Cultural Catholics” more easily than “Cafeteria Catholics.”  I have found that many who label themselves “Cafeteria Catholics” assume that they are intellectually superior to those who are more orthodox.  They assume that they have given their beliefs more thought.  Regardless of the truth of those two assumptions, a case can be made for a lack of commitment to their beliefs and a certain lack of integrity.  If they believe what they claim to believe, they should find a community in which they can live out a committed religious life or admit they they don’t have a religious commitment. 

Unlike TEC, the RCC is following its tradition.  However, there are those within the RCC who would like to be able to do what a portion of TEC was able to do; effect a change in the belief system itself.  Perhaps, this is why the writer stays.  The RCC has had more success in combating this movement.  But the pressure to change basic beliefs is why RCC members watch the Anglican experience so closely.

I think he likes being a Catholic and just has to act embarrassed. The routine he does I’ve heard countless times. I suspect it’s required for someone Catholic to write at the Times. I think he likes his job, his NYC friends, and his Faith. They just require some dissembling to go together.